Sarcasm, teenage boys and mating rituals [Jo]

[Dr. Josephine Hudson]

Jo nodded. ' Interesting... I have to try it? I probably need a male for that. And condoms, most likely. Possibly large quantities of alcohol. ' She considered his words for a short while, before deciding to ask. " I don't...know. Maybe. With the right person. " She smiled to herself. She was talking to her husband about the right person to sleep with. That was almost definitely irony. " That's good... I don't think I'd like it if it was. Um. Uncontrolled. " She blushed. That had come out wrong, and possibly sounded like she wanted to have sex with Gabe, which she didn't think she did. Maybe. It depended on if the 'tingly' feelings she got meant she wanted to have sex with someone. If so, she wanted it with Gabe, Morph and Riordan, which couldn't be good. Maybe just Gabe. Sleeping with students was illegal, although it was allowed if they raped you.

She considered what he had said about masochism. She didn't know if she liked pain. Panic attacks were painful, when she couldn't breath, and she didn't like them at all. However, she had quite liked it when she was unable to move, and having a student bite her neck. At the time of course, she had screamed, because she was scared. If she'd been expecting it, then she thought she would have liked it, especially if she couldn't stop it. That made it even harder to describe, and she had to take a minute to think about her reply. " It's... I don't know. I just liked not being able to move. Or not being...helpless. It made me feel secure. " Jo was quite sure that that made little sense, but blundered on. " When it hurt, I was scared. But if it happened again, I think I'd like it. Because I wouldn't be able to stop it, and that's...just nice. Tingly. " She couldn't say it right, which was really annoying her. " It's like...butterflies in my stomach...and lower, and they make me want to... I'm not sure what, really. They don't give directions. I just want to... " She sighed in frustration. It was hard to describe it when she didn't know what she wanted to do.

If she had the chance, she supposed, and she and...say, Riordan, were in the same room together... What would happen? Well, what would actually happen would probably be her blushing and Rio laughing at her. But if she could choose what she wanted to happen, he'd probably hold her arms down and maybe bite her neck. Or kiss her, like Morph had earlier. It was an unpleasant experience, but nice at the same time, something that confused her lots. And something that she thought Riordan shouldn't find out, she thought. Because that could lead to him saying more things that made her blush, which was embarrassing. " It's... I want maybe Riordan... Using him as an example, of course. And it'd be nice if he...did that thing that one of them did to my neck earlier, or kissed me, and held my arms at the same time. " She blushed. Was this something she shouldn't tell her husband? That she was thinking about her teenage patient in ways that were often considered to be wrong when thinking about young people? Yes, probably. But she didn't understand, and she wanted to. And maybe he could tell her how to make it better.

[Dr. Gabriel Hudson]

Gabe blinked. Then he blinked again. He didn't know what to say. Riordan? He knew the boy had been the one to bite her neck earlier, and he was absolutely certain he didn't want to tell her that. He leaned back against the sofa, allowing his head to flop back as he thought. He didn't have any kind of reply ready for those sentences, and he bit down on his thumb as it stroked his lip, still completely at a loss for words. This was a whole experience for him, and there was a total lack of understanding between the two of them right now.
“That sounds like masochism to me,” he began, with a failed attempt to regain his brisk, proffessional attitude. “It gets you turned on to be helpless, and in pain...” remembering who he was talking to, he added, “turned on means... sexually aroused, by the way. And don't feel the need to describe how you feel. I think I can guess.” He couldn't believe he was explaining this to a twenty eight year old. He was explaining masochism to his wife, because two of his students had tried to rape her and she had enjoyed it. Surely there were laws against this sort of thing? No. Of course not, there might as well be laws against awkward situations in general. Mind you, that wouldn't be too bad. Every time you found yourself in one, you could just get up and walk out... Now he was beginning to think like her. Shite. Stop it, man. Next thing you know, you'll both be curled up under the coffee table trying not to touch each other! Tugging on his lip, he continued, falteringly, “Um... Riordan? Really?” Of course. He'd been the one closer, the one biting her neck and holding her arms still. And hey. He wouldn't have been any happier if she'd used Morph as an example.
“Well then, I'm fairly sure that's masochism. Are you going to carry on having individual therapy sessions with them?”

[Dr. Josephine Hudson]

Jo waited patiently for Gabe to come up with some sort of reply, fidgeting slightly. Nearer the end of the minute he was silent, she began to rock slightly; the only way she could stop herself from asking if he was done thinking yet. She knew that she could take an extremely long time to reply to something, but this was ridiculous. She breathed out audibly when he finally spoke, noting that he sounded quite confused. Maybe it wasn't something you should tell your husband. He didn't seem...happy. He wasn't smiling. But he wasn't crying, so he must be in an in-between mood. Was that good or bad? At least he wasn't sending her out of the room and shouting at her. That wouldn't be good.

As she was about to ask what 'turned-on' meant - she wasn't a tap, or a light switch - he explained, causing her to turn bright red. " Oh... I don't think I am...'turned-on' by pain. But yes... Riordan is...good. I mean, not that Morph isn't! He is also...likeable. Oh! And you are! But...in a different way... I mean, maybe the same way. But you didn't...do that earlier. You ruined that. So...different. Still good... I think. " She paused. Maybe she hadn't phrased that right. 'Ruined' sounded like she was annoyed at him... Although she was, technically, so maybe that didn't matter. She couldn't resist a slight glare, and then ducked her head, embarrassed. What if he got mad at her? She didn't want that. It was just... At the time, she'd wanted him to save her. But afterwards, looking back, she...hadn't. She'd just wanted him - them - to continue, although she was apprehensive about how far it would have gone. Jo didn't think that she wanted to have sex. Just have someone do that to her neck, maybe. Sex was still a grey area for her.

" Well... Yes, they are my students. I can't...quit them. Unless you tell me to. But I don't want to. " She smiled at him them, hoping he would read her mind (although that was technically impossible, she thought). Her thoughts were running along the lines of 'don't take them away; they might do that again', which was again, illegal. But it just...felt nice. And she hadn't felt like that before, and she wanted to again. It was scary and confusing, and made her want something more, although she wasn't sure what else she wanted. And she liked that, somehow. Jo thought that the technical term for that was 'lust', but she didn't like that word. It made her think of pedophiles, and scary sweaty old people that 'lusted' after small children and schoolgirls. Which was bad.

[Dr. Gabriel Hudson]

Riordan was good? Morph as well?Oh, brilliant. Her other words caught him by surprised. That was the second time in this conversation she's called him attractive, and he wasn't in any way expecting it either time. “Ruined?” he asked, and this time, his voice was angry. “Jo, they were going to rape you! Don't tell me you're annoyed at me for helping you - if you wanted it, you shouldn't have screamed, so don't talk to me about ruining anything.” He had fast been losing his temper with her, and now, it burst out of him. “I heard you screaming and came in to find two teenage boys pinning you down, trying to rape you. You were hysterical, so naturally, I assumed you weren't happy. So, yeah, maybe I did 'ruin' it for you, but maybe you should think more clearly about your feelings and not sceam next time someone tries something on you.”
He cut off his outburst, suddenly aware he was raising his voice, something he tried never to do. He was furious: with her, with himself for leaving, and especially with Riordan and Morph. He was allowed to be angry with her, wasn't he? Sure, she was his best friend, and at times she reminded him of a small child, but he wasn't implacable, something he'd already proved that day, twice over. As for her other words, well, he was highly reluctant. “Jo, I don't think that's a good idea at all. I know you might have enjoyed it, but it's not good, especially if-” something occurred to him, and he changed tack midway through his sentence. “Jo, don't tell Riordan or Morph about this conversation. Not a word about it, please.” His voice had gone quiet again, and he gazed at her with pleading in his eyes. Not that she'd pick it up, of course.

[Dr. Josephine Hudson]

Jo folded up as he spoke. Not literally; she wasn't a shirt or another article of clothing that could literally be folded. More...folding into herself. Hunching her shoulders, she bent her head so low that her hair touched her lap, and hugged herself. He was using his scary voice, the very one that she just hoped he wouldn't use. This wasn't good. Not good at all. His scary voice was loud and not good and made her want to curl up and cry. She willed herself to stay completely still until he finished shouting, and for a few seconds after as he continued speaking, but in a neutral voice this time. She didn't process any of his words, just willed herself not to cry for another five or so seconds as she turned abruptly from him and crawled under the small coffee table that was very close to her, wriggling through the gap. Her stomach grated uncomfortably over the wooden floorboards as she pulled herself through into the enclosed space, and when inside, she realized how uncomfortable it really was. She had to bend at the waist, resting her stomach and chest on her knees to fit inside, but it was better than nothing. Nicer than the kitchen cupboard. No spiders.

Deciding it would be easier to lie on her side instead of so hunched, she did so, curling into a fetal position. Usually, she wouldn't react so badly to angry voices, but it was Gabe, and he was angry with her. And if he was angry he might break her wrists or nose and that looked painful, and not a good pain. Letting her eyes relax, she cried quietly as she processed his words, almost thirty seconds after he had spoken. He was right. She had been stupid. Liking pain... Why had she told him? It was abnormal. He was going to fire her now, wasn't he? Or divorce her. Or divorce her as a friend. She didn't know the word for that; aside from de-friend, like on facebook when you stopped liking someone. What if he de-friended her? She didn't want that.

Curling up as tightly as she could, she tried to work out exactly what she should do now. Should she scream? He had said to scream if she was being physically attacked. Which she wasn't, yet, unless he got angry like he had earlier. Wait, but a minute ago he had told her not to scream, ever, if anyone tried anything. So she shouldn't scream... Briefly, Jo wondered if she was allowed to scream if she got stabbed, but thought not. He might use his angry voice again if she did. Instead, she curled as tightly as humanly possible, her legs pressing into her chest, which hurt. Again, not in a good way. Staying completely still, she wondered if she was meant to answer him. He hadn't raised his voice at the end of any sentences, which meant that he hadn't asked any questions, which meant that there was no technical need to say anything. Still, he sounded like he wanted her to promise... But she didn't want to. What if they asked her specifically about this conversation or something? Then she'd have to stay quiet... Jo wiped her eyes on her knees and decided to wait and see if Gabe said anything. If he did, she'd reply, if it warrented an answer. If he left, she'd wait a while, come out from under the desk and go and curl up under her bed. She had a duvet down there, and pillows, and it was much more comfortable.

[Dr. Gabriel Hudson]

Gabe chewed his lip as she bent her head away, clearly not listening to anything he said, anger bubbling away inside him. Why couldn't she just... listen? He was angry, of course, but no-one else felt the need to curl up in a little ball and cry when he got angry. Staying where he was, he took several long, deep breaths. He ought to calm down, lest she have another panic attack and start screaming again. After about thirty seconds of breathing heavily, he spoke again, bluntly to her. “Jo, I'm worried about you. I don't want you to get hurt, and I'm annoyed that you told me I ruined something by trying to protect you. I know I've upset you, and I didn't want to, so I'm sorry. I hope you'll calm down soon, and I hope I will too.” There. If she didn't process that, she was worse than he thought.
Rubbing his neck, he tapped two fingers on his thigh, wondering what to do now that he had made his apologies. He felt compromised; he was furious with her, but it never did any good to get angry with Jo. She just got scared and hid. Gabe was chewing so hard in his lip he was drawing blood, and he quickly stopped himself. Straightening to his full height, he brushed dust of his trousers and ran a worried hand through his hair. “Jo, please don't tell anyone. It wouldn't be good if you did. We'd both get upset.” Now he was talking like she was a child. Well, she's acting like one, goddammit! Scowling, he waited for a few moments for a reply, and when one didn't come straight away, he told her, “I've got things to do. I'll see you later tonight, OK?”

[Dr. Josephine Hudson]

Jo stayed quiet. She was planning on doing that for a long time, preferably until he either said he was sorry lots, or until he left. Or maybe did something else, like cartwheel. That would make her speak, if only to ask why. She was still trying to work out the right words to say, and in which order, because last time she hadn't thought them through, he had used scary voice. Just as she thought that she'd sorted out the appropriate order of words, he told her that he was going to go, which she didn't want. Then she'd have to wait for him all day, and even though she'd have extra time to rehearse her speech, she'd be scared and end up crying for a long time. And possibly baking, which never turned out well.

Shooting out her hand, she grabbed his ankle and pulled him closer to her. He didn't actually move, because her arm was at an awkward angle and she had low muscle tone, but he (probably) would have noticed her pulling on him. " Don't go! I'm, um, sorry for... Saying that you ruined, that, and... " Jo thought frantically. " I'll...make you a cake? " That was surely a way of gaining redemption? Sweet baked goods? While he was in therapy, she could try cooking. If it went too badly, she could always buy a cake. Being alone with nothing to do would be bad for her mind. She'd end up thinking about her students in illegal ways, which was never good. It was actually quite bad.

She didn't understand his other words. ' Jo, please don't tell anyone. It wouldn't be good if you did. We'd both get upset. ' How, precisely, would they both get upset? She didn't think that she'd be upset if she told Riordan and he did nice things to her neck again. Things that were bad, but nice. She'd be happy, really, not upset, but she wasn't sure if she should contradict Gabe. He didn't seem like he was in a good mood, so maybe this wasn't the time. " I... Why not? I don't think it'd upset me. " Her next words came in a rush. " I mean, I won't! Don't get angry... I just wondered... " Curling up into a smaller ball, she hoped that he wouldn't shout.

[Dr. Gabriel Hudson]

When Jo remained silent, Gabe mentally swore at himself. He'd terrified her, and now she probably wouldn't come out again all evening. But she had been being completely... he hated to use the word obnoxious, but he couldn't think of any other way to describe her behaviour. Obtuse? That would have to do. Turning, he made to leave the room, when a hand shot out from under the table and grabbed his ankle. Gabe jumped and froze, well aware that it was likely she'd cling on if he kept moving, and he didn't want to drag her across the school to the therapy room with him. Aside from the obvious problem of injuring her, he had work to attend to, and a hanger-on would slow his progress across the school.

She asked him not to go, and apologised to him. She sounded desperate, and he felt guilty. He shouldn't have yelled. Crouching down, he carefully unpeeled her fingers from his ankle, telling her, “Thank you, Jo. If you want, you could just buy me one, rather than making me one. And... I really am sorry I yelled at you. I just got angry, and it wasn't all your fault.” There. That should be enough to get her out from under the coffee table, at least.

Then she spoke again, and he found himself rolling his eyes once more. “If someone outside the school found out about it, we might have to shut down the school, and then we'd have no jobs. Wouldn't that make you upset?” he kept his voice low; that way, she wouldn't pick up the hint of bitterness in his voice. Maybe she'd finally get it into her head not to tell anyone. Maybe she wouldn't actually tell anyone without asking more questions. More likely, she'd come up with a long list of questions, most of which were completely irrelevant due to the fact that she had to make it a round, even number.

[Dr. Josephine Hudson]

Jo tensed for the second that Gabe didn't respond to her grabbing his ankle and holding on. Did he not appreciate that? She would have freaked out if someone, who had been having a mild panic attack under a coffee table, had grabbed her ankle. She would have screamed lots. Wait, no she wouldn't; she wasn't allowed to scream. Especially if she was being raped. Was that what Gabe had said? She hadn't quite understood it. And he might use his scary voice if she asked, so she'd just go with no screaming unless she'd carefully thought the situation through beforehand. And usually, when she felt like screaming, she didn't have a lot of time to think the situation over. She decided that it would be best to generally avoid screaming. Maybe she should wear one of those shock collars that dogs had. They electrocuted you when you barked...or screamed. That could work! There were a few flaws in that plan, however. Such as her hating electric shocks. And looking weird if she wore a collar.

When Gabe knelt down and untangled her fingers from his leg, she tightened them momentarily and then let go. She didn't want a broken nose or wrist, really, like he had given Morph and Riordan. One of them had been holding her legs. Maybe clinging to peoples legs was a bad thing? She didn't particularly want a broken...anything. Especially not a broken wrist, because then she wouldn't be able to turn the pages of a book. Or take notes in therapy. Well, she supposed that depended upon which wrist it was. She was right-handed, so she'd prefer that her left wrist was broken, but Gabe was holding the right one and... He hadn't broken it. Just put it down, carefully. Well, that was good. She pulled her hand back to the safety of under the table, where she could see it, and feel it, and confirm that it wasn't broken (which it wasn't).

" It's okay. I like making cakes. I'll do it when you have to go to therapy. " As he apologized she relaxed even more, edging her head out from under the table, and feeling rather like a turtle. She on her back in an extremely uncomfortable position for a minute before wriggling out, her head resting in Gabe's lap and her body stretching after the relief of being in such a confined space. " Um... So, you were scary, and it wasn't my fault. But who's fault was it? Because you yelled at me, so it seemed to be my fault. " It made sense to Jo. Why else would he get angry? It seemed completely senseless to her, unless he was remembering something from another time, and then got angry, but... Oh; she'd never understand. It seemed pointless. She rarely got angry, unless people were hurting her patients, or with the people that had wrecked her patients lives by abusing them. Those people she wanted to kill. But she'd never shouted at Gabe before, as far as she could remember (which was almost perfect, from when she was around four).

She considered his next words. " I guess...getting fired would be bad. I don't want that. I like my patients. And the school. I don't want to be fired... If I tell anyone about this, you mean, we'll both get fired? " She thought about that carefully, and decided that this would go into her "Secret Things" place. That was things that she would never talk about to anyone because then badness would happen. There weren't many things in there. Closing her eyes, she willed herself to forget the conversation (which didn't work). Damn. It would be useful if she could forget things at times. However, it was nice to be able to replay memories again and again. Like the last therapy session; she'd watched that in her head a few times and worked out what she'd do differently if it was to happen again. One of them being she wouldn't scream.

[Dr. Gabriel Hudson]

She yanked her hand back as soon as he released it. Had she been scared he would hurt her? He knew he scared her when he got angry and used his 'scary voice', but surely she knew he'd never attack her. He couldn't do that to her. Maybe the... incident with Riordan and Morpheus had scared her. She probably thought he'd break her wrist like he'd broken Riordan's. Brilliant.

And now she was making him a cake. He made a mental note to buy her a recipe book, and make sure she actually followed the recipes. He wouldn't be surprised if she decided the recipe was boring and threw half the contents of the cupboard in the oven and baked them. Hopefully he wouldn't come back from therapy to a burned down pile of ash. "OK, Jo, but be careful, alright? And please do follow the recipe. I know it's boring, but the cake will be nice. And we can share it then."

Her head poked out from under the table, and for a split second, she reminded him so much of a tortoise that he wanted to laugh. He resisted the urge to do so, and grinned down at her, before she wriggled further out and lay in his lap, stretching out. "Doesn't it ever get uncomfortable when you're lying in small spaces like that? Don't you get stiff, or bruised?" he wanted to know. But she was still talking, and his grin faded. "It was those boys. They made me angry, then you upset me and I got more angry. So it was their fault. And only a little bit yours." She probably wouldn't understand him, but he explained anyway. She deserved it, deserved to be treated like an adult, even if she didn't always act like it.

[Dr. Josephine Hudson]

Jo nodded absently. " Of course I'll be careful. " His next words were less easy to agree with; ' please do follow the recipe. ' " But... Following recipes is dull. Everything comes out the same then... " It was true that nice tasting cakes were good, usually. But she disliked recipes. They never turned out right, anyway; not like they looked in the pictures, even if you followed them exactly. She knew what sort of cake she was going to make though, something with ridiculous amounts of sugar. Sugar was such a beautiful creation. If she had lots, she always ended up running around, waving her arms about. Occasionally, she'd curl up in a ball and giggle at nothing. Jo never understood why people would take drugs when they could have sugar.

" Anyway, I'm going to make my own invention. Um... I can't think of a name... Sugar cakes, maybe? Don't worry, we'll both like them... " She was sure that they were. Well. Reasonably sure. At least, she knew that she'd like them. Was that selfish? She hoped not. Gabe could be taught to like her cooking, if he just tried. And maybe de-sensitized his taste buds a little. She was apparently under-sensitive to taste, which irritated her. How could they tell? Just because she could eat anything and technically not be able to tell foods apart, if it wasn't from appearance and smell. It was unfair that she wasn't allowed to be a taste-test person just because of that. Discriminating, technically.

She thought about his next question for a while. Did she ever get uncomfortable, stiff or bruised, while curled up in small places? " Not really... I like them. They make me feel secure. Like I'm safe. " That was why she loved hiding under her desk. Bad (if good) things might happen in her office, like the thing that had happened earlier, but under her desk was safe. Nobody could come under they, unless they were specifically invited. And not many people were invited. Jo wasn't sure what exactly would happen if Morph or Rio tried to come under her desk. She had a nasty feeling that she'd attack them and have various parts broken.

Deciding not to think about that, she closed her eyes and stretched her shoulders, before curling up into a smaller ball, although she kept her head in Gabe's lap. She wasn't sure exactly how she had managed to upset him, but she didn't want to ask. What if he got upset again? " Well... Why did I upset you? And um, how did they make you angry? " She had a feeling that it was something to do with them kissing her and not letting her move, against her will (sort of), but she wasn't completely sure and she wanted to be one hundred percent, so it wouldn't happen again. Otherwise, he might turn into scary-Gabe again, which was never good. " Don't get scary because I asked though! Okay? "