waiting for angels [Laura]

[kiaraatkins]

Kiara made her way into the common room, head bowed so her hair hung over her face. She didn't know what to make of this place so far. After all, she'd only been talked to by the receptionist, who seemed like a good person, but you couldn't judge a place by it's staff. It was the students who were bad, most of the time. There was no-one else in her room when she'd got there, so she'd put her bags carefully on the bed and gone to find her way around. She was getting tired, though, and wanted to rest. Sitting down in one of the chairs, she crossed her legs and sat back, watching the room. There weren't any other people in there, which was nice. No people meant no sin, and no evil, so she was safe for now.

Kiara was restless. She felt moody, and angry and she hadn't seen any angels here. Did that mean this was a bad place? No, she didn't see angels much, only sometimes, when she'd sinned and had to punish herself. Her thumb brushed over the jagged scars on her forearm, wondering if this place would be able to help her. She didn't want to sin, it was a disgusting, filthy thing to do and each time she did it she hurt the angels, but she couldn't help herself, she needed it, and she hated herself for it. Maybe they would help her here. She hoped they would. Then she wouldn't ever have to sin again, and she could be happy and help the angels without feeling guilty all the time. She hated feeling guilty. She ought to feel good: she was helping the angels, she was stopping sinners, but she was sinning herself, which was evil of her. It made her a liar, and her lying hurt the angels. But they'd stopped her from killing herself. She didn't know why, they never spoke to her, but she guessed that she was doing good, and despite the pain she caused them, the angels wanted her to go on. Their sacrifice made her feel like even more of a hypocrite.

The mere thought caused her to dig her nails deep into her arms, but they had been cut so short they didn't even hurt her. She needed something sharp. Glancing about, she didn't see anything close at hand, and she slowly relaxed her grip on her arms, leaving white hand prints around her wrists. She could do it later, when she had something there to use. She'd repent, and she would regret her sin and the angels would forgive her and she could try and help them once again. It was only when she had been forgiven that she could feel happy again, completely guilt free. Smiling to herself, she relaxed again and looked around the room, wondering if there were any angels nearby.

[Laura Richardson]

Laura was wandering to the common room again. She was sure she was supposed to spend more time in there, but there were usually people and she thought it was best if she didn’t meet too many people besides Rio and Francesca… and Doctor Hudson. And her art teacher. But they were people she had to be around, there wasn’t a choice. Today was quiet though. It was nice and sunny and everyone seemed to be outside. Except security who were always lurking. Laura wondered if it would be worth anything to tell them to go and enjoy the sunshine and that she’d be good. Probably not.

Well, especially not now they knew what she was likely to do if left to her own devices.

Laura fiddled with her bandages, in exactly the way the nurse had told her not to. She’d only been trying to help. She noticed one other person in the common room before remembering the no leaving rule and sitting down. Would it be rude not to say anything? Perched on the edge of her seat and fiddling as if her life depended on it, Laura watched the girl. She hadn’t seen her before, so maybe she was new.

“Um. Hello.” Would it be bad to start drawing? She’d noticed the girl digging her nails into her skin, to no avail. “They… did mine. Too.” She held out her hand for inspection. The nails were short, they wouldn’t do any damage… although in Laura’s opinion having them cut had been a pain. They hadn’t let her do it herself, they thought she’d get hurt. And then they touched her… Laura shivered as she remembered her intake and kicked her mind back to today.

She ran her too-short fingernails up and down her bandaged arm, feeling the stitches. They’d need to be taken out soon. That would mean more touching. She cringed away from the thought. They wouldn’t have a medical team left if they carried on like this. She wondered what the other girl’s talent was. It was always hard to tell unless you asked, and she wasn’t supposed to ask. Laura tugged at her bandage again. Francesca still wasn’t talking to her. She was not taking her medicine any more, Laura had decided. She’d made people sad. She didn’t deserve to sleep any more. That was probably why her thoughts were wandering.

Smiling awkwardly at the other girl, she wondered if this girl had rules as well. There was one other girl with rules here, but she was allowed to tell people hers. Laura wasn’t. It would be bad to ask. The bandage was itchy… she frowned and tried to work out how to get rid of it. She didn’t need it, it wasn’t bleeding any more. Maybe she could just shove it down the side of the chair and leave it like that. Nobody would notice. Maybe… She began to fiddle with the fastening.

[kiaraatkins]

Kiara turned around when she heard footsteps behind her, and her eyes ran up and down the little girl who had just entered the room, taking in the bandage and the nervous expression. Watching her carefully as she sat, still staring, Kiara gave her a faint smile. She wondered if the girl had done that to her own arm... what had she done to deserve it? Had she sinned? Did she know she had, or was it a subconscious urge that had prompted her to hurt herself? Kiara sighed. She wasn't even sure if this girl had done that to herself.

Turning away, she gazed despondently around the room. Her nails were no use; she'd have to find something else... Looking up at the lightbulb, she considered it, but realised that with the other girl in the room, she wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. She stored the idea away in the back of her head for later, hoping against hope she wouldn't have to use it. She'd try not to sin while she was here, but she'd tried before. She'd tried so hard, and it was as though there was something inside her that made her do it. Of course that was it, she reminded herself. All humans have that, or they'd be angels. We can never get rid of it, but we can suppress it. We can try our hardest...

The girl's voice interrupted her thoughts,, and she turned to Laura, frowning at her curiously. "Did you try to hurt yourself? Why, did you do something wrong?" She glanced at the bandages, now fairly certain that Laura had done it to herself. She saw her fiddling with them with a certain amount of approval. It was bad that this girl had sinned, of course, but she was repentant, and that was almost as good as never having done it in the first place. Kiara wondered what she'd done that had been bad enough to have to damage her arm that badly. Maybe it was almost as bad Kiara's sinning could be. Thinking of it, her hands tightened around her arms again, the knuckles turning white.

[Laura Richardson]

Laura watched Kiara back. She was not only interested, she needed to make sure the other girl wasn’t about to touch her. That would be even worse and then she’d have to find Rio again and she didn’t want to. He scared her. She tugged at her bandages again and sighed. She was tired. Not that that usually would have stopped her, but… today was one of those days. One of those days where she was sick to death of people not understanding her rules or what she needed to do. It made her feel sad, and she wondered what to do about it. Even if Doctor Hudson really did believe her like he said he did nobody else agreed with him. She doubted Rio agreed… Laura shrugged the question off. Rio was nice. He was helping her. Who cared if he believed her or not?

Laura looked up at Kiara in surprise. “Um…yes.” She wasn’t sure what Kiara wanted with this information, but she was too shocked to care. “I… I keep doing bad things. I don’t mean to… but people here don’t believe me.” She wondered how long she had before the other girl started laughing and telling her she was silly and ploughed on. “They say I’m wrong. About everything. They won’t let me…” She gestured to her arm and fell silent. But she had done it. And now people were angry with her. People meaning Francesca… and possibly Doctor Hudson too although she didn’t mind so much about him, really. Was that mean of her? Laura began to try and work out what she’d need to do for thinking that, would she need to find Rio?

“I’m evil.” She added, almost as an afterthought, managing to get the bandage off. If there was even the slightest chance that this girl believed her, she should be doing her best to explain. Actually she should explain anyway, just in case. If it stopped people touching her, it had to be good, right? Nobody got hurt if she didn’t touch them. Well, they might get hurt… but it wouldn’t be as bad. It would be because she was there, and she couldn’t control that. She’d looked at ways to run away and it didn’t look good.

Stuffing the material down the back of the chair, Laura examined her arm closely, prodding it. It still hurt, but in a dull throbby sort of way as opposed to the previous stabby ouchy sort of way. She wondered what she could do to make it hurt more and if the other girl thought she was odd at all.

[kiaraatkins]

Kiara watched the girl tugging her bandage off with faint approval. So, she knew what she was doing to the angels? Or did she just know she was doing wrong? Kiara watched her examine the cut, interested in this odd little girl who seemed so unlikely to be what she said she was. "You don't mean to?" she asked softly. "That's good. Regret makes the bad things... less bad. But most people think that's enough, and it's not. You have to hurt." Her voice was soft, compassionate. Kiara knew what it was to sin without meaning, or wanting, to do it. It was so much worse than doing it intentionally, or without realising. You were torturing your own conscience, as well as the angels'. "Do you know about the angels?" she asked Laura curiously as she poked the wound, hoping the answer was... well, it didn't matter much, actually. If not, she could explain, and if so, then she'd have someone who knew how she felt.

Scooting her chair closer, she leaned in, careful not to touch the other girl. It wasn't a sin, but she didn't like physical contact. It was perilously close to sinning, always. First came touching, then came... she closed her eyes for a brief moment, blocking the painful thoughts from her mind. She had to help this girl, she couldn't be concentrating on her own problems with this girl sat there, evil and not knowing how to deal with it. "What's your name? I'm Kiara," she told her, glancing up at her as she spoke. Then she decided to explain what was happening to Laura, hoping she could put her at her ease slightly. "All humans have evil inside them, but in some it's stronger than others. And sometimes people are entirely taken over by it, but some can retain their consciences. I think that's what has happened to you," she said softly, her eyes, deadly serious, gazing at Laura's arm.

[Laura Richardson]

Looking up in surprise as she shoved her bandages down the back of the chair she was sitting on, Laura smiled at Kiara. “Um. Yes….” She wondered if now would be a good moment to explain or if she should wit and prove she wasn’t insane before saying it, although if she was honest all that had really gone when she’d mentioned she was evil. Deciding to just go for it, she looked down at her stitches and began to play with them again before answering. “Well… more me. Because I’m all evil and everything…. I don’t know about…” She’d never considered that other people might have to hurt as well.

He was gratified the other girl hadn’t attempted to touch her, but Laura was keeping an eye on her anyway, just in case. “Angels? I… I mean, I know what they are… but I don’t…” She trailed off again, and smiled up at the other girl. How was it her words got so muddled when she said them out loud? What she was really saying was no, I don’t. Tell me, please because you seem to understand. Only it wouldn’t come out like that. Ever. “My name’s Laura. I… I was born evil. I mean, completely… I killed people because I didn’t understand, and my uncle told me what to do, but they say he’s a bad man and he’s not…. I’m not supposed to listen to him any more or follow the rules.” It all sort of spilled out. Only Doctor Hudson had ever said he believed her, and he didn’t really understand. She had o tell him everything. Rio was just being nice.

Watching the other girl closely, she began to bite her nails again. She wanted to understand. If two of them believed the same thing didn’t it prove it was real? Doctor Hudson only believed it was real because she hadn’t let the other doctors get their way and tell her she was wrong. But he still treated her like he thought she was mad. He made her come for therapy and everything….

[kiaraatkins]

Kiara listened to her carefully, nodding occasionally. She knew that could happen, but she was fairly certain that it could be helped. Excitement rose inside her. Maybe she'd be able to help this girl with her problems, and then she'd be helping the angels as well! A thought occurred to her, a beautiful, bright thought that made hope rise in her. Perhaps, just perhaps, by helping this person, she'd be able to work off all her sins and start afresh, and maybe she wouldn't have to hurt herself any more. She smiled at Laura, bubbling with excitement. Then she thought, maybe she'd scare her, and she'd leave and then Kiara wouldn't be able to help her... She allowed her smile to fade when Laura spoke again, nodding understandingly.

"Angels..." how to put it? "They exist. They're all around us, but most of the time, they choose not to be seen. They help people. They're like... the counter-force to the evil inside of us. And when people commit sins - you know, hurt other people in some way - it hurts them, because they're pure and good, and when evil touches them, it... it hurts them," she said quietly, looking down at her hands. The guilt was coming back, and she stared fixedly at her fingers, resting on her lap, but carried on determinedly. "But when someone does something evil, they can counter-act it. If you regret what you did - and to truly regret it, you have to hurt yourself, to know what the angels go through - then it means the sin wasn't done out of malice or a desire to do evil, which makes it less bad. It doesn't go away, but the angels are more willing to forgive you for it. Do you understand? It's... difficult to explain properly. You have to learn more the more you find out about them," she finished, glancing up at Laura seriously and sweeping her hair out of her face.

[Laura Richardson]

Laura’s face fell as she thought of all the pain she’d caused the angels. She hadn’t even known they were there. Angels to Laura meant pretty ladies in white nighties sitting on clouds and playing music. She’d never really considered them as real, earthly presences. Her uncle had never mentioned them, at least. “They must really hate me.” Laura said hollowly. “I mean… I… there’s no good part of me. It’s all bad. And I can’t just die. I asked my uncle, he said that was selfish and I’d burn in hell forever and ever and them put my fingers on the fire bit on top of the oven so I’d know what it was like.” She wasn’t sure where all that had come from, she hadn’t meant to tell her about it. She wasn’t really supposed to tell anyone about it. “Sorry. I… um… He’s not a bad man, he was just helping me.”

She cast around for something else to say. She was trying to get off the subject of her uncle. “You must be a good person… if you know about the angels, I mean.” Laura smiled shyly at Kiara. She knew everyone was better than her, but had never met someone who knew all about angels before. Clumsily, she continued poking at her stitches, trying to persuade some real pain out. At least no one had told her not to yet. The place she’d cut was raised, and Laura wondered if that meant anything. All the injuries before had been… she wasn’t sure why. She curled her fingers, remembering the feeling of the flames licking them, a rolled up towel in her mouth so she wouldn’t scream and disturb the neighbours. It wasn’t one of her favourite memories, but she had to say the memory was effective. She’d never asked to die again.

[kiaraatkins]

Kiara watched her expression change, and she felt pity for the poor girl. She needed to comfort her. "You didn't realise, it's OK. They'll forgive you for that, probably. You regret everything, so it's OK.And there's got to be a good part of you somewhere, because if you were really evil, you'd want to hurt the angels. With you, the evil is powerful, but if you were completely bad, you'd be..." Kiara shuddered at the mere thought. They didn't have a name; of if they did, she didn't know it. But they were everything, everything bad and evil and cruel, and they haunted human beings who seemed susceptible to the evil... the thought occurred to her, and she went pale, turning to look back at Laura. She couldn't see any darkness around her, but that didn't mean anything. They were perfectly capable of hiding themselves.

Was Laura one of them? Or was she just being possessed by one? Kiara's hand went to her heart as she stared at the girl in horror, wondering whether it would be best to run. But, no. Laura was too nice; they had no patiences, if it was one of them, they'd have attacked her. Unless it was just planning to lie to her until she trusted it... setting her jaw, she refused to allow the doubt in, and decided Laura deserved an explanation. But before she could open her mouth, Laura spoke again, and sadness filled Kiara. "I'm not a good person," she told her in a voice that was barely more than a whisper. "I've... done things, awful things. I thought it would be best if I ended it all, I thought I could help them by dying. That's how bad I was..." she clenched her fist, digging her nails into her chest now, gritting her teeth.

But Laura still needed an explanation. "In this world," Kiara began, feeling like she was about to tell a bad adventure tale. "there are the angels, and there are... well, they don't have a name that I know. They're made up of everything wrong in the world, and they're the opposite of angels. They can possess people, or appear as people, but they can't be corporeal." glancing at Laura, she added kindly, "That means solid. So if they want to be solid, they have to possess people. Sometimes, the people are aware of what's going on. I think that might be what's happened to you, actually. Your uncle was right; if you die, the thing drags you down to hell with it. You have to counter the evil inside you by doing good things, and regretting everything it makes you do that's bad."

[Laura Richardson]

Laura shook her head. “I think I am all evil… it’s true. But maybe it’s just different because bad things happen without me wanting them, or meaning it. I mean…” laura shrugged, still poking at her arm a little. She didn’t want to ask, it might sound rude, but if you had to be rude to get people to understand it was allowed. Didn’t make it nice though. “Have you ever met anyone completely evil before? I mean… I’m the only one, so…” she shrugged again, pulling her knees up to her chest and half hiding behind them. “He said… I was the only one.” And he’s right, she wanted to add. Everything only knew the world couldn’t deal with two of them. She wondered if it would make this girl not want to be around her any more. Laura wouldn’t want to be around her if she… wasn’t her….

But if Laura hadn’t been herself there wouldn’t have been evil to stay away from. That would have been good. She wondered who she would have been instead. “You’re not bad…” She said, gently. There was only one bad person in this room… “You just made a mistake. And I’m sure they forgive you because you’re really sorry like you just said. And if you weren’t good you wouldn’t know about angels.” Laura knew that bit was true. She hadn’t known all about angels and she was bad so it only made sense that Kiara did and she was good. Smiling cautiously at the girl, Laura wondered what it would be best to do and settled for waiting. Waiting was good. It gave people time to get their thoughts all together again.

Laura nodded again. That made sense. If it was something inside her, it wasn’t about to leave, but she tried to do good things anyway, and stay out of the way of bad things and be happy because happy was good wasn’t it? Happy was good and therefore fought evil and therefore was a good thing for her try and do, even if she failed most of the time. “If they’re not solid…” Laura wasn’t so totally sure she could say the other word and get it right and everything, “How do you know they’re there? I mean… you have to be able to tell somehow…” Or did you? If you did would bad things still happen? Because if you could feel it you could avoid it and if you could avoid it bad things wouldn’t happen to you because you wouldn’t be there for them to happen to.